


Hobbit Hole Haven Dot Net

by AI07



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, And Jumping To Conclusions, Apparently Middle Earth Has Technology, Bilbo Baggins Is Definitely Not Amused, Blushing, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Drama, Everyone Freaks Out, Expect Denials And Cursing, Fíli And Kíli Troll Everyone, Gandalf Trolls From Afar, Iglishmêk, Khuzdul, M/M, Pretty Much All Genres, Revenge Is In Order, Romance In All Forms, Screaming Bloody Murder, Slash Fanfiction Obviously, Thilbo Bagginshield Is Everywhere, Thorin And Company Are Not Amused, self-deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2014-09-28
Packaged: 2018-02-10 12:26:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2025090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AI07/pseuds/AI07
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fíli and Kíli discover the wonderful world of fanfiction.</p><p>That is to say, Hobbit fanfiction.</p><p>Specifically, Hobbit slash fanfiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Fíli and Kíli's Lives Change Forever

**Author's Note:**

  * For [akblake](https://archiveofourown.org/users/akblake/gifts).



> For akblake, who had given me great advice about how to write/put Fíli and Kíli in character. :)

To blame Gandalf would be too _bloody_ easy.

But in this case, it really _was_ all his fault.

After all, he was the one who sent that email to Fíli and Kíli in the first place, for Mahal's sake.

“Check it out, Fíli! You've got an email from Gandalf!” chirruped Kíli, gesturing to Fíli's new tablet. Indeed, an email notification had appeared on the screen. “Go on, then, open it up. Let's see what it says.”

Fíli rolled his eyes at his younger brother's exuberance (and impatience). “Alright, alright, keep your beard on – oh wait, I just remembered who I'm talking to.”

“Shut up!” said Kíli, feeling his bestubbled face burn. “Now, are you going to open up that email or not?”

“Don't rush me, dear brother,” replied the golden-haired prince with a grin as he tapped the screen. Soon, a new window popped up, with the email's contents opened for all to see. Together, Fíli and Kíli read the email.

_From: Gandalf the Grey <waywardwizard@middleearthmail.com>_   
_To: Fíli <supersexysonofdurin@middleearthmail.com>_   
_Subject: Something interesting you boys have got to see!_

_My dear Fíli (and Kíli, if you're happening to read this, which is indeed very likely and inevitable as is),_

_I do hope you two are in good health. My hopes also extend to your uncle, the other Dwarves and especially Mr Baggins, whom I believe is staying with you lot for a few weeks on holiday. Goodness, did you have to bribe him with the Arkenstone to get him to stay over? Just kidding! Wizard humour, that's all!_

_On my recent travels (ie. whilst trawling the World Wide Web), I discovered a rather odd little website which I think you'll find quite interesting. And amusing. Indubitably amusing. And believe you me, I certainly found its contents hilarious! I shall leave a link at the end of this message so you can check this website out for yourselves._

_Let laughter reign in the halls of Durin!_

_Radagast sends his regards. Find also attached pictures of Sebastian, who is a really cute critter._

_May your beards grow long and lush (but in your case, Kíli, may your beard actually start to grow)._

_Your friend throughout the ages  
_ _Gandalf the Grey_

_PS. Don't expect any tweets from me any time soon.Éanna, my bird friend, is feeling under the weather at the moment to send my messages, brief as they are. Even in this universe of ours, 140 characters is not enough._

Kíli looked miffed. “Dunno why Gandalf has to make fun of me just because I don't have a full-on beard like everyone else,” he grumbled.

“You don't _have_ a beard, full stop,” chuckled Fíli, earning himself a swift kick from his brother. “Oy, watch the tablet! If this thing breaks, I'll tell _Amad_ on you. That, and we won't be able to go onto this website that Gandalf went on about.”

The golden-haired prince scrolled down to the end of the email, where a web address, highlighted in blue, was found:

<http://hobbitholehaven.net/page1/>

““Hobbit … Hole … Haven … dot net”?” read out Kíli slowly, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. “What does _that_ mean? Is there a whole website dedicated to Hobbits or something?”

“Creepy,” murmured Fíli.

He pointed to the words “Page 1” in the link. “It sounds like there's a lot of pages on this website, too.”

“Boring _and_ creepy,” said Kíli, with a shudder. “Why Gandalf thinks this website is so funny is beyond me.”

“We haven't even checked it out yet, _serej bund_ ,” replied his older brother, rolling his eyes again.

Kíli clucked his tongue impatiently. “Well, I'm waiting on you to actually click on the damn link, but Mahal knows you're getting slow in your old age …”

Fíli didn't even deign to reply to that saucy remark. Instead, he clicked on the link.

The screen turned white as the website began to load; very quickly, the screen turned a shade of grass-green. In the background, there was an image of a lush green landscape and hills littered with what seemed like caves but were actually doors – this was undoubtedly the Shire, the home of their Hobbit companion. The brothers watched as words appeared in flowery, bold and italicised font in a white box, which partially covered the Shire picture:

 **~~*HOBBIT HOLE HAVEN.** **NET** ***~~** _**  
**Official home of 'The Hobbit' slash fanfiction_

 “The heck …? What in Mahal's name is “Hobbit slash fanfiction”?” asked Kíli, his eyebrows furrowed once more.

 "Never mind that … I just want to know what the meaning of _this_ is,” answered Fíli, his eyes widening in both surprise and shock. He pointed at the screen. “Look!”

Kíli's jaw dropped in pure astonishment. “ _The heeeeeell_ …?!”

Fíli's finger rested atop an image – a digital drawing, to be precise – that had appeared underneath the font. In the image itself, two figures were locked in what can only be described as a very romantic-bordering-on-erotic embrace.

The brothers were not bothered by this. Nor were they bothered by the fact that the two figures were male.

It was the identities of these two male figures that really bothered them.

“Is that … _Uncle Thorin_ … hugging … _Bilbo_?!” exclaimed Kíli, unable to believe his eyes.

Indeed, the taller figure, unmistakeably Thorin, was drawn with his arms around the shapely waist of the smaller figure, who was unmistakeably Bilbo Baggins.

“Why is Uncle _shirtless_?!” cried Fíli, unable to comprehend what he was seeing.

Indeed, the Dwarf King was naked waist-up. His muscular upper-body was exposed for all to see.

“And why is he looking at Bilbo like he's the Arkenstone?!”

“And why is his hand on Bilbo's bottom?!”

“And why is Bilbo's hand on his chest?!”

“And why is Bilbo's other hand down his pants?!”

“EEEEEWWWW, that's just NASTY!” groaned Kíli, hurriedly covering his face with his hands. He was more than sure that he was scarred for life – he was surprised that he hadn't lost his eyesight. “Who in Mahal's name would draw this kind of garbage?!” he whimpered through his fingers, his words muffled.

“Apparently someone called jaccerty198,” answered his brother, reading the information that had appeared underneath the image. He read it out loud, his bemusement and astonishment growing with every word he uttered. “Work/Art of the Day: jaccerty198. Title: _Never Let You Go_ , in the pairing categories _Thorin Oakenshield/Bilbo Baggins_ and _Thilbo Bagginshield_. Rated four and a half stars out of five stars by users.”

Kíli groaned again, sinking into his seat. “Please don't tell me there's more images like that! Seriously, what does “pairing categories” mean? And “Thilbo Bagginshield”? Actually, don't even try to explain – I don't think I want to know. ”

Fíli scrolled downwards. “You'll be pleased to know that there are no more images with Bilbo or Uncle to be seen.”

“Blessed are Mahal's hairy balls!”

“However,” the golden-haired prince continued, a frown gracing his features, “there are some … _stories_ underneath this picture.”

“Stories?” Kíli uncovered his face, looking at his brother with a puzzled expression. “What do you mean, stories?”

“Have a look for yourself.”

Muttering “Damn it, do I have to?” under his breath, the dark-haired prince sat up in his seat and looked at the tablet that was proffered up to him. He ran his eyes down the screen, reading the numerous work titles and summaries. Soon (and I mean _very_ soon), his puzzled expression twisted into that of pure, utter stupefaction. Kíli looked at Fíli, goggled-eyed.

“These are all _romantic stories_ about Bilbo _and_ Uncle?!” he spluttered.

Fíli nodded.

“Where the heck does Gandalf find this stuff!” shrieked Kíli, face-palming. “ _Who_ would write this stuff? _Why_ would they write this stuff? Uncle and Bilbo? Paired _t_ _ogether_? Where would they get such an idea? I can't, I really can't …”

“That's not even the worst part,” murmured Fíli, scrolling downwards some more.

“Brother, what could possibly be worse than stories about Uncle getting it on with a Hobbit?”

The dark-haired prince was more than a little dumbfounded to see a grin – an _amused_ grin, at that! – appearing on his brother's face.

“This is only page _1_ that we've seen so far, out of 1024 pages.”

“ _ **1024**_ _PAGES?!_ ”

“Aye.”

“Good grief …!”

A pause.

“Dare you to read one?” said Fíli in a sly tone.

Kíli glared at him. “No. Bloody. Way.”

“Go on. Just one.”

“How about you go and die in a hole?”

“One story, and that's it, Kíli.”

“A nice, big, hairy Hobbit hole.”

“Come on, Kí,” whined Fíli. “Read just _one_ little story. Mahal knows I'll read one with you, offer moral support and all that kind of nonsense! After all, we got to let Gandalf know what we think. Maybe we'll even find it amusing like he said it would be.”

Kíli snorted. “I'll eat Bofur's hat if Gandalf was right.”

“Does that mean you'll read one, then?”

“Only if you share your tablet with me until _Amad_ gets me one. I've been wanting to play the latest _Angry Birds_ game, where you can play as Eagles fighting against evil Orcs.”

“Fine,” his brother finally conceded, not at all pleased at the thought of sharing his tablet. But at least it meant that Kíli was actually going to read a story. Maybe then they could find out what “pairing categories” and “Thilbo Bagginshield” meant.

He proffered up his tablet once more. “Go on, Kí. Take your pick of the story.”

“Really, you're too kind,” said Kíli dryly as he scanned the titles.

After a few seconds of looking, he said, “Got one.”

“Which one?”

“It's called _Dark Waltz_ by someone called E.L.F.(Eternally Looking Fabulous). Rated three stars out of five. Quite a few chapters already written, and it's still on-going.”

“That username's a pleasant reference to Elves, I'm sure,” remarked Fíli in a dry tone. “What's it about?”

Kíli cleared his throat before putting on his best dramatic voice (“You cheesy git,” commented his brother): ““ _After the dragon Smaug's demise at the hands of Bard, Thorin and Bilbo's future together suddenly seems brighter. The turbulences of the past, the tensions and doubts that had occurred between them, leading them in what seemed to be a never-ending dance,_ –” Mahal's beard, what a long sentence! “– _are seemingly far behind them. But when Bard and Thranduil kidnap Bilbo_ –” WHAT?!When did _that_ ever happen?!”

“It's called artistic licence, brother,” said Fíli. “Now do go on. This sounds _ever_ so exciting. Romance-of-the-century material.”

“That sounds _so_ wrong,” muttered Kíli, before continuing with his narration. ““– _when Bard and Thranduil kidnap Bilbo,_ _who they find has the Arkenstone in his hold, Thorin is forced to make a decision: either he can choose to save his One and give up the Arkenstone, or he can reclaim his birth right but lose the love of his Hobbit forever._ _With an oncoming battle on his hands, will Thorin surrender to his gold fever or his heart?_ ” Damn, the DRAMA!”

“The tension!”

“The doubts!”

“The redundancy!”

“Best summary I've ever read in my life. Can't believe this story's only got three stars!”

“The travesty of it all!”

At the same time, the brothers were laughing themselves to death at the sheer silliness that they were reading. Fíli was doubled over, shrieking with laughter so hard that he nearly dropped the tablet. Kíli wrapped his arms around himself, his stomach aching from his gaiety.

After about five or so minutes, they finally quieted down, although they would giggle every so often when they spoke.

““ _Features BAMF!Bilbo_ ". Now what do you suppose _that_ means?” asked Fíli, his breathing quite laboured. “Do you think it stands for something?”

Kíli stuck out his tongue in thought.

Eventually, he offered, “Ummm … “Bums … Are … My … Friends”?”

““Bombur … Ate … My … Food”?” wondered Fíli aloud.

“”Blessed … Are … Mahal's … Feet”?”

““Boots … Are … Made … For Walking”?”

““Burgling … And … Murdering … Fools”?”

““Back … Again … for More … Fun”?”

““Bilbo's … Arse … is Mighty … Fine”?”

“That's stupid, Kí.”

“Tell jaccerty198 that. I bet Uncle in that picture would agree with me.”

Guffaws and loud chortles all around.

“Huh, it says it also features other pairings, other than Thorin Oakenshield/Bilbo Baggins,” said Kíli, wiping his tear-streaked, red cheeks.

He looked up at Fíli, his dark eyes glittering madly. “You don't think …?”

Fíli grinned in amusement. “Perhaps the rest of our Company make exclusive appearances, too?”

“Together, or … _toooogeeetherrrr_?”

“Bet you it's the last one,” came the saucy reply.

Another five minute round of hilarity.

“Who would even dare to pair any of us up?” said Kíli with a snigger, thinking of the various combinations and possibilities.

“Guess we'll have to find out,” replied Fíli, clicking the story link. As the story began to load, the words of what promised to be an epic story appearing in a new window, the golden-haired prince turned to his brother and said, “Alright, Kíli, let the story begin. Best narrator voice, if you please.”

Taking a deep breath, clearing his throat, and tittering his last titter (or so he thought), Kíli commenced:

“ _Chapter 1:_ Rising and Falling. _Not for the first time_ _since they entered the Lonely Mountain_ _, Thorin Oakenshield couldn't help but think that the burglar would look simply beautiful with a golden circlet on his short, brown curls …_ ”

* * *

 For the next few hours, loud whoops of laughter could be heard from that room, echoing in numerous corridors and travelling to different rooms all over the place. Bilbo Baggins, who was napping in the spare-room a few rooms away, was roused from his sleep at the sound of the raucous noise that emitted from goodness knows where.

_Goodness, what is that dreadful racket? Upon my word, those voices do sound quite familiar! Still, that's no excuse for waking me up, and there's no way I can go back to napping with all that laughter going on. Perhaps I ought to go and tell whoever it is to keep it down, threaten them with Thorin or something. That'll serve them right._

With that resolve in mind, an irritated Bilbo exited from the room. He padded down the corridor towards the source of the laughter, which began to grate on his nerves as he got closer to it ( _even Bofur's laugh isn't as bad as that!_ ).

After a minute or so, the Hobbit reached his destination, although he was surprised to see a few familiar figures standing outside the room where the cackles emanated.

_Why, it's my dear companions! And Thorin Oakenshield, no less! Goodness, they don't look very pleased, either._

“Hello there, laddie,” greeted Bofur, smiling at his friend.

The others also greeted the Hobbit in a similar fashion. Thorin merely smiled and bowed his head before facing the room door.

“I gather you heard the noise, too,” said Bilbo, addressing everybody.

“Who hasn't?” said Dwalin gruffly, his arms crossed. “Bloody distracted me whilst I was in sparrin' practice.”

“I could hear it from the infirmary,” boomed partially-deaf Óin. “And that's on the next floor!”

“Any idea about who or what could be the source?” asked Bilbo, grimacing as a burst of giggles erupted from the other side of the door.

“Two guesses,” murmured Thorin with a shake of his head. “Two very loud nephews, playing around with that awful tablet, I bet.”

“Lucky,” muttered Ori, glancing at his journal with a sigh.

“Nasty things, tablets,” tutted Dori, glaring at Nori before the star-shaped-haired Dwarf could get any ideas about “obtaining” one for their youngest brother.

“Well, what are we waitin' for? Let's find out what kind of buffoonery they're up to now,” said Glóin, all ready to kick the door down.

Thorin nodded in agreement before he knocked three times on the door. “Fíli! Kíli! Boys, open up! It's your uncle. What are you two doing in there?”

The laughter stopped.

Silence.

“Boys? Answer me, please.”

Silence.

“Fíli? Kíli?”

 _Still_ silence.

“For Mahal's sake, you two! Answer me this minute, otherwise I won't hesitate to fetch your mother!”

Finally, a shuffle of movement could be heard from the inside. Then, the door opened, and the figures of Fíli and Kíli came into view. Their faces were bright red, and their cheeks were wet with fresh tears of mirth.

To everyone's astonishment, when the brothers' eyes fell on their uncle, their friends and family, and little Bilbo Baggins, they looked at each other and, after a slight pause, they burst into shrieks of laughter. Their faces reddened even more, and, as they leaned on each other for support as they revelled in their laughing fit, new droplets fell from their eyes.

Needless to say, Bilbo was quite surprised at their reactions.

_What in goodness name is tickling their funny bones to the point that they're practically falling all over the place?_

Thorin was less than amused, however.

“BOYS! What is so bloody funny?!” he barked, clasping his cackling nephews' shoulders and shaking them. “Pull yourselves together at once! Princes ought to show some decorum and act as if they've got some brains in their heads. Now stop this at once and tell me what you were doing that's got you acting like giggling idiots!”

Fíli and Kíli breathed in deeply and wiped their eyes before they were responded, although their mouths were still twisted in those annoying, mirthful grins.

“Why, Uncle, we were only reading,” answered Fíli, struggling to keep his voice straight.

Thorin, Bilbo and his companions looked at the brothers in bemusement. Typically, one would ever associate “reading” with Ori; “getting up to all kinds of mischief that would make Mahal rue the day he ever created the race of Dwarves” would normally be linked to Fíli and Kíli.

“ _Readin'_?” said Balin, clearly incredulous. “Readin' what?”

The princes exchanged devilish smiles, which scared Bilbo a little bit.

_What in Yavanna's sweet name are they up to?_

“Perhaps we ought to show you,” answered Fíli roguishly.

“You lot came just in time,” crooned Kíli with an evil look in his eyes. “In more ways than one …”

_**TBC …** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amad/Amad's - Mother/Mother's  
> Serej bund - Idiot
> 
> This story has been in my head for a week, and I just had to let it out. X3 It was meant to be a oneshot, but I guess it'll be a twoshot instead - more slashy/cheesy goodness to come! Wouldn't want to be any of the Dwarves or Bilbo when the next chapter comes ... heh heh.
> 
> This first part was fun to write, and I hope you all liked it so far. Initially it was going to be Bifur coming across Hobbit slash, but then I thought it would be even better if Fíli and Kíli discovered it instead. XD I'm a Hobbit slash writer myself, and I've always wondered what the characters/actors would think when they read this kind of stuff. To readers of my other stories, I haven't abandoned "The Resolutions Project", "Scars Beyond The Blade" or "Under Lock And Key" - I've just been busy and contending with writer's block. Love you all. *Hug* Oh, and as far as I know, there's no such thing as "Hobbit Hole Haven.net". ;)
> 
> *~AI07~* :)


	2. In Which Bilbo and Company Discover Hobbit Slash Fanfiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo Baggins rues the day he came to spend his holiday in Erebor. Thorin and Company rue the day Fíli and Kíli were ever born.

Bilbo wasn't the only who was unnerved about Fíli and Kíli's strange behaviours.

An apprehensive silence fell amongst the Company after Kíli uttered that strange remark.

 _You lot came just in time … in more ways than one …_ What in Middle Earth's name did _that_ mean?

Balin and Dwalin exchanged bewildered glances, clearly perplexed about the entire situation; Ori sidled up to Dori's side, not ashamed to admit to himself that he was absolutely terrified about what the princes had in store for them (and possibly him … _especially_ him); Dori squeezed his youngest brother's shoulder in a comforting manner, whilst Nori nervously fingered a knife in his pocket; Glóin clasped Óin's arm, ready to pull his deaf, older brother out of harm's way if the situation called for a quick retreat; Bifur looked at his cousins with an uneasy expression.

" _I don't like those looks they're giving us,_ " he signed underhandedly to them, more than spooked by the wicked glints in the princes' eyes and their equally wicked smiles. " _The last time they looked at all of us like that, we all ended up in the infirmary with food poisoning and our beards glued together with tree-sap._ "

" _Lawks, don't remind me_ ," signed Bofur, he and Bombur shuddering visibly at the memory. " _Upon my word, I never saw Thorin cry like that before in my life._ "

Thorin, however, didn't look at all scared or ready to cry. Instead, he only regarded his nephews with a grim look. His ice-blue eyes were narrowed, reflecting only a hint of suspicion, and his mouth was set in a firm, thin line.

"If you two are planning to trick us in any way," he rumbled, "I'll have Gandalf obliterate that awful tablet of yours."

To himself, the Dwarf muttered, "Damn it all, why isn't there a mountain full of lava when you need one …?"

" _Us_? Trick _you_?" the brothers cried with a gasp. "How can you think such a thing?"

"How distasteful," said Fíli, shaking his head in disgust.

"Shocking," said Kíli, looking affronted. "How dare you accuse _us –_ your own beloved nephews, mind! – of trickery?"

 _And how dare you have the gall to say_ those _things to the face of Thorin, your own bloody uncle!_ Bilbo thought, half-disturbed (and half-impressed) by the brothers' mettle. _Goodness, if it were **me** in their place, Thorin would skewer me on Orcrist like a kebab and then throw me out of a window._

Naturally, Thorin, and his companions, too, were not fooled, but the brothers' innocent tones and those confoundedly wicked expressions still plastered on their faces did not soothe their nerves. Not one bit.

"Speaking of Gandalf," purred Fíli, his eyes all a-glitter, "our dear Wizard friend was the one who sent us some, ah, _choice reading material_ , if you will, that got us both in these humorous moods. Such amusing reading material, too, which I do think we ought to show you. Right, Kíli?"

"Ooh yes, I think we ought," agreed Kíli, smirking. "Show it to you, Uncle …"

His eyes moved swiftly to look at his family and friends. "Show it to you all …"

Finally, the dark-haired prince's gaze fell on the Hobbit. "And, of course, show it to _you,_ Thilbo, - er, I mean, _Bilbo_."

"Wait, what did you call me?" asked Bilbo, furrowing his eyebrows. ""Thilbo"? Who's Thilbo? I know no one of that name, Hobbit or otherwise."

"Oh, you'll know him when you see him," crooned Fíli in a cryptic manner.

"Kind of a mixture of you and Uncle here," added Kíli. "He's –"

"Oh, for MAHAL'S SAKE, can we get a _BLOODY_ move on already?!" exclaimed Dwalin, making everyone jump.

Muttering "Waste my bloody time" to himself, the tattooed Dwarf pointed a threatening finger at the two young Dwarves. "Show us this nonsense that Gandalf sent you so we can all get on with our lives," he growled, "otherwise I won't hesitate to knock your brainless heads off with that bleedin' tablet. Are we clear?"

"Geez, way to ruin the tension-building," muttered Kíli, rolling his eyes ( _cheeky things, these two_ , thought Bilbo with a shake of his head).

He gestured behind him at the room. "Care to follow us inside, lads?"

Before anyone could respond, Fíli and Kíli turned on their heels and walked back into the room. Either Bilbo's ears deceived him, or he heard a conspiratorial, stifled giggle from within ( _where they get the energy to still laugh, I have no idea_ ).

His Dwarvish companions glanced at each other. They were still unnerved, the Hobbit could tell, but they were clearly also curious about the whole thing. Just _what_ was Fíli and Kíli up to?

Then, with a long sigh, Thorin Oakenshield turned away and walked into the room. Bilbo and the others quickly and solemnly followed suit in single-file.

A few feet behind him, he heard Óin mutter, "Now I know why Thorin's hair is turnin' grey."

In reply, Nori said, "An' now I know why _you're_ completely grey-haired."

A _smack!_ noise (possibly Óin or Dori who had something to do with it), followed by an "Ouch!" (definitely Nori).

But all Bilbo could think of was:

 _Who_ is _this Thilbo …?_

* * *

""Hard … hole … haven … dot … net"?" bellowed Óin.

He glared at the princes. "That sounds like a very naughty website."

"Not "hard hole", you cretin!" yelled Glóin into his brother's ear-trumpet. "It's _Hobbit Hole_. _HOBBIT HOLE_!"

"That sounds even worse! No offence, Master Baggins."

Bilbo's only response was to sink into his seat, the tips of his ears glowing red. Fíli and Kíli, however, looked down at him with smirks, ready to burst into giggles once more. The Dwarves were all seated in the room, with the princes standing before them. In Fíli's hands was that infernal tablet; the website the brothers were perusing (and having several laughs) over earlier was opened in front of them.

Bofur, who felt sorry for Bilbo, reached out from his seat and gently patted his friend's shoulder. "A reference to yer home back in the Shire, is all, and not at all related to yer southern extremities, I reckon."

The tips of Bilbo's ear glowed even more.

Upon seeing Bofur's friendly gesture and hearing his words, Fíli and Kíli's smirks grew wider.

"So," addressed Thorin to his nephews, wanting to get straight to the point, "you say Gandalf found this website and left you a link?"

Fíli and Kíli nodded.

"And the contents of this site … they are, pray-tell, something your mother would not kill me over if she ever discovered that I knew you were reading inappropriate material?"

"She'd possibly maim you, but I don't think she'd outright wipe you out of existence," answered Fíli with a shrug.

"Besides, she might find some of this stuff hilarious," added Kíli with a grin.

Thorin rubbed his aching temples. "Well, that makes me feel better inside."

"Waste my bloody time," muttered Dwalin again through clenched teeth.

"What, laddies, is this website all about?" inquired Balin, laying a calming, gloved hand on his brother's muscular arm. "It's sound like it has a lot to do with Hobbits."

"Not necessarily," replied Fíli. "It's actually about all of _us_ , here in this room."

"Coo! Rabbit and pork 'bout bein' famous!" said Nori, looking interested.

"Aye, it'll do _wonders_ to enhance your thievin' reputation," remarked Glóin dryly with a roll of his eyes, earning himself guffaws from Dwalin, Bifur and (surprisingly) Ori, and glares from a grumbling Nori, a mother-hen-mode Dori and Bofur, the latter affronted at hearing his friend and his profession being insulted ( _dear Bofur, friend to all_ ).

"W-ell, it's less to do with our statuses as heroes of Erebor and more to do with … other things," cut in Kíli.

They all looked at him with curious looks.

" _Other_ things?" Bombur asked. "Mahal help us, what d'you mean by _other_ things?"

A flurry of excited whispers were exchanged as Fíli and Kíli turned to each other. After a few seconds of murmuring and tittering, the two brothers faced their companions. There again, to Bilbo's absolute annoyance, were those mirthful, devilish smiles.

"Dear friends," proclaimed Fíli in his best princely voice ( _why can't they ever sound like that all the time?_ ), "I have here in my hand, opened before me, a website in which hundreds upon hundreds of ordinary people – from different social, ethnic, economic and religious backgrounds – contribute masterly pieces of work for the average person to read. To peruse and to contemplate what they refer to as "feels", or emotions, if you will. Why? Because, like their readers, these people have one thing in common."

A pause.

" _And that is …?_ " signed Bifur.

"Writing slash fanfiction," declared Fíli.

Another pause.

" _And that is …?_ " signed Bifur again.

"Impatient much?" grumbled Kíli.

"Oh, I've heard of fanfiction!" piped up Ori excitedly. "Isn't that when people write their own stories about their favourite characters from different categories such as Books, Movies and Real Life? Most of the stories fall under different genres like Drama and Romance, and are suited to a specific fan audience ranging from children to adults."

"Right you are, Ori," nodded Fíli.

Dori stared at his brother. "How do you know about that?"

The scribe blushed under his gaze. "I, uh, may or may not have come across fanfiction when I was doing some research in Erebor's library …"

Balin shook his head. "And here I thought you were doin' legitimate research work under my apprenticeship."

"I only came across it once," Ori mumbled, wishing his seat would swallow him up, he was blushing hard right now.

"So, from what I can gather, these people are writing stories about specific things for which they share the same enthusiasm," mused Thorin.

He looked at his nephews with narrowed, ice-blue eyes. "And given that this website is called _Hobbit Hole Haven.net_ , I assume that these people are writing stories about us."

"Correct, dear Uncle," answered Kíli, grinning.

"Righ' creepy, that is," murmured Nori, although a glint appeared in his eyes as he uttered his words.

"And ye two have been readin' this stuff all day?" asked Bofur, a little touched and a bit unnerved by the thought that people were writing about him.

"Aye."

"And you two distracted me from my sparrin' practice because you were laughin' all day at rubbish written about us that strangers published online?" rumbled Dwalin, crossing his arms angrily.

"Hey, once you read into this Hobbit slash fanfiction, it's a laugh a minute," protested Kíli.

"But what _is_ "Hobbit slash fanfiction"?" asked Bilbo, frowning. ""Slash" … that doesn't sound very pleasant or sanitary."

"Goodness, what a dirty mind you have, Master Baggins!" exclaimed Óin, causing the Hobbit to redden in embarrassment once more ( _botheration, why do these Dwarves test me so?_ ).

"Slash fanfiction, dear friends," started Fíli, again using his princely tone, "slash fanfiction is …"

He paused.

Everyone leaned in forward in expectation, waiting for his explanation.

Finally, the golden-haired prince said:

"Well, perhaps we ought to read out to you an example, in order to give you a better idea of what Hobbit slash fanfiction is. Kíli, if you please …"

"Drama queens," Bilbo heard Glóin grumble. "Worse than Gimli …"

Everyone watched as Fíli passed on his tablet to his younger brother. The dark-haired prince cleared his throat, straightened his posture and, in his own princely yet dramatic tone, his voice rung out as he read:

"Title: _Stars Were Meant To Fade_. Author: _Resinette Fox_. Rated three and a half stars out of five stars by users. In the pairing categories _Thorin Oakenshield_ forward-slash _Bilbo Baggins_ and _Thilbo Bagginshield_ –"

""Thilbo Bagginshield"?" said Bilbo and Thorin simultaneously. "Who or what on earth is "Thilbo Bagginshield"?"

The Hobbit and the Dwarf paused, both glancing at each other and turning away with rosy cheeks.

"Hmm, sounds like a portmanteau of both your names," said Balin, pulling at his beard thoughtfully.

Another glance. Another shade of red added to the cheeks.

_Well, at least I know what Thilbo means._

Or so Bilbo initially thought.

Kíli continued after the short interruption, although he added beforehand, "I think I'll skip the story summary until I've read a portion of the story. For dramatic purposes, of course."

"Bugger," Thorin muttered.

_Bugger, indeed._

After scrolling down the page until he got to the desired paragraph, the dark-haired prince began to narrate:

"" _Bilbo dropped to his knees, unable to stop his tears from doing the same. Trembling with_ _obvious_ _emotion, he reached out and touched Thorin's scarred cheek with a shaky hand, gently caressing his cheek-bone with his fingertips –_ ""

"I'm sorry, WHAT?!" exclaimed Bilbo, sitting up in his chair as if he received a hot poker up his bottom. "WHAT just happened?!"

_I did NOT just hear what I thought I heard … there's absolutely no BLOODY way … for all that is sweet and innocent in this world, please tell me that I did NOT just hear that …_

But, judging by the demonic looks on Fíli and Kíli's faces, Bilbo's worst fears were confirmed.

_Oh no, I **did**._

Thorin sat up straight in his seat, as if he received the hot poker treatment, too. He stared at his nephews with wide eyes and his mouth wide open like a gaping goldfish. His cheeks, not at all scarred, were burning redder than red.

Everyone else looked shocked as well. Dwalin and Balin were sitting frozen in their seats with eyes as wide as Bilbo's dinner-plates; Óin must have heard loud and clear, for his mouth was open in surprise; Glóin's face was almost as red as his hair; Dori had gasped, Ori looked down at his lap in response to the awkwardness, and Nori, with big, curious eyes, looked from Bilbo to Thorin and back again; Bifur had a most befuddled expression on his face, Bofur sat back in his seat in amazement, unable to believe what he just heard, and Bombur clamped his hands over his red-hot cheeks.

Fíli and Kíli just smiled those demonic smiles.

"I think those sentences are self-explanatory," said Fíli casually, gazing at his flabbergasted companions.

He turned to his brother. "Kíli, if you may continue, please."

Clearing his throat once more, Kíli did just that: ""– _gently caressing his cheek-bone with his fingertips. "Thorin," he whispered desperately_ _and softly_ _, so softly that the Dwarf king thought he imagined his words – his plea. "I didn't come all this way for you to die. I didn't endure all of this trauma just to see you in this state. Please, Thorin, you cannot think to leave me_ _this way. It would be selfish of you if you did so. I know, I'm rambling. But how can I possibly live without you? How will I survive by myself without you? How …?" His whisper gave way to a sob._ _Then another. Then another …_ ""

"Good grief, you are _not_ being serious …" whimpered Bilbo, sinking into his seat, trying to hide his face behind his short curls.

"What the hell am I hearin'?" said Dwalin, rubbing his eyes in disbelief.

Thorin merely stared at his nephews in pure stupefaction.

"" _Before long, the Hobbit felt the calloused fingers of his lover –_ ""

"Lover!" exclaimed Bofur in utter surprise.

""– _brushing away the tears that trailed down his smooth cheeks. Thorin cupped his One's face –_ ""

"His ONE!" cried Nori in astonishment.

""– _and,_ _locking their gazes together, he whispered_ _in a raspy voice_ _, "_ _My dearest burglar, you mustn't cry for me. After all, I may be gone in body, but my soul shall live on in the halls of Mahal. Know that when I depart from this mortal coil, my love for you shall never fade. Like a star who's burnt out, but whose glow shall be seen until the end of time … that is our love, Bilbo. Never forget, my_ _sweet_ _._ _Never forget._ ""

"Mahal's sainted knickers, I've never known Thorin to be so poetic," said Balin in amazement.

Thorin hid his face in his hands, praying to Mahal for divine intervention.

"" _Bilbo smiled in spite of hi_ _m_ _self. "Oh Thorin," he said breathlessly, touching the Dwarf's fingers with his own. "You_ _fool. You stubborn, beautiful fool." Then the Hobbit leaned down –_ ""

"Oh no," said Glóin, breathing in sharply.

""– _and slowly, tenderly –_ ""

"They're not! …" whimpered Óin, wanting to remove his ear-trumpet but finding he could not.

"Cover your ears, Ori!" barked Dori.

""– _pressed a kiss to Thorin's lips._ ""

"AUGH!" yelled the real-life Bilbo and Thorin, jumping out of their seats in horror. "STOP! _STOP READING AT_ _ **ONCE**_ _!_ "

They needn't have asked, for Kíli and his brother had stopped and were now squawking with laughter. They were leaning on each other once more, both quite red in the face and struggling to breathe. Their audience could only stare at them in mortification and discomfort until their merriment came to an end.

"What the bloomin' 'ell was _that_?" said Nori, asking the question that was lingering in everyone's minds.

"That, dear Nori," answered Fíli, wiping away a tear, "was a piece of slash fanfiction."

"And if you hadn't guessed by now," chirruped Kíli, "slash fanfiction is when writers pair male characters together in romantic relationships."

"And in this case, pairing together Uncle Thorin and Bilbo Baggins, otherwise known as "Thilbo Bagginshield"," Fíli added with a smirk.

Bilbo and Thorin looked at each other, their skins glowing scarlet as Balin's robe.

_**Me?** In a romantic relationship with **Thorin Oakenshield?!** Surely they are jesting! Who in their right minds would pair the two of us together?! Where did they ever get the idea that I was romantically interested in him, and he in me?! Absurd, that's what it is! COMPLETELY and UTTERLY ABSURD! Just the thought of me kissing him … sweet Yavanna, my poor heart! What in heaven's name goes through these writers' minds?!_

The other half of the "Thilbo Bagginshield" pairing was more vocal about his thoughts.

"Where did Gandalf find this load of nonsense?!" Thorin barked, (unsuccessfully) trying to hide his blush.

"Somewhere out there in the World Wide Web, Uncle," answered Fíli, staring off into the distance.

"Far beyond the planes of reality and sanity," added Kíli in a wistful voice.

"That sounds like the kind of place Gandalf would most likely be found," muttered Thorin, wishing he could get his hands on the Wizard.

"Care to hear the summary of this delightful story, Uncle?" queried Kíli, who launched into the summary before his Uncle could tell him to go jump off a cliff: "" _The night before Thorin is doomed to die after being fatally wounded during the Battle of the Five Armies, Bilbo visits him in his tent to say his last goodbyes and give him one last night to remember._ "

"Oh, for the love of …" Bilbo face-palmed, wondering what he did wrong in life to have come into contact with Dwarves; Thorin was thinking something similar, except it was something along the lines of what he did wrong in life to have ended up with these two rapscallions as sister-sons.

"And that's just _one_ story, dear friends," crooned his golden-haired nephew, addressing everybody in the room. "One story out of thousands."

"THOUSANDS!" they all chorused, astounded. "THOUSANDS! GOOD GRIEF!"

"Uh huh," agreed Kíli. "Thousands upon thousands! All with fancy titles and oh-so-heartbreaking summaries. Take _this_ one, for example."

He had the tablet in front of him again. "Title: _What Have I Got In My Pocket?_ Author: _Thilbo Forever_. Rated four stars out of five stars by users. In the pairing categories _Thorin Oakenshield/Bilbo Baggins_ and _Thilbo Bagginshield_. Summary: " _One night after their escape from Azog, Bilbo and Thorin engage in a game of riddles – with a twist. Just what is that bulge in the burglar's pants? Thorin is more than ready to find out._ ""

" _YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!_ " both Bilbo and Thorin cried in indignation and visible disgust.

The others, on the other hand, had dissolved into peals of laughter upon hearing this atrocious summary. Nori and Bofur nearly fell off their chairs, they were laughing so hard. Even Balin, who was normally stoic, and Dori, who would have a fit if he caught Ori reading this kind of stuff, were chortling like hyenas on helium, if that were possible.

"Or how about _this_?" said Fíli, taking his tablet to do his own reading: "Title: _Heart of Ice and Fire_. Author: _Opal Lazuli_. Rated four and a half stars out of five stars by users. Another "Thilbo Bagginshield" story. Summary: " _Thorin Oakenshield never meant to fall in love with Bilbo Baggins. Swimming in a vast ocean of denial, the majestic Dwarf avoids the Hobbit at every opportunity, and speaks unkindly to him whenever they interact. But as the journey for Erebor gets even more and more dangerous, will Thorin allow the ice in his heart to melt away before his One is lost forever_ _to the evils of the world_ _?_ ""

"Good gracious me, I can't!" squealed Bombur, tears of mirth running down his plump cheeks as he chortled.

"I can't, either!" wheezed Bofur, nearly lying flat-out on the ground.

"Here's a sample of this epic narrative," said Kíli with a titter. "" _As the majestic Dwarf began to walk away, all Bilbo could do was shout_ _after_ _him, "Fine! Leave me! Forget that this ever happened! Throw me away willy-nilly like I was trash! Is that how you really perceived me after all this time? I can believe it now! But I'll never forget the way you told me that you loved me!" The Dwarf paused in his steps, wishing he could rush back and tell his One that he was wrong, wishing he could push him against the wall and_ –""

" _NO MORE! NO MORE_!" yelled Bilbo and Thorin, thunderstruck.

" _NO MORE! NO MORE_!" the others cried, their stomachs aching something fierce, they were dying.

_Damn them. Damn these Dwarves. And a thousand damnations on that BLOODY Wizard!_

_Why did I come_ here _for my holiday?!_

Fíli and Kíli merely grinned. They surveyed their companions with bright eyes, watching them roar with absolute delight at the petrified looks on the Hobbit and the so-called majestic Dwarf's faces.

"I don't know why you lot are laughing," remarked Fíli innocently. "After all, there _are_ also slash fanfiction stories featuring you all."

That immediately shut them up.

The Dwarves were silent, dumbstruck upon hearing the golden-haired prince's words.

 _There_ are _also slash fanfiction stories featuring you all._

"You're jestin'," said Dori, not wanting to believe it.

"We jest you not, Master Dori," replied Kíli. He gestured to the tablet. "There are thousands of stories featuring Uncle and Bilbo. There's even _more_ stories dedicated to pairings made within the Company."

"Stone me," muttered Nori, looking terrified now.

"Who would dare pair any of us up?" growled Dwalin in disbelief.

"That's what we thought, until we saw the stories for ourselves," said Fíli.

He regarded the tattooed Dwarf with a dastardly grin.

_Oh no, what is he up to now?_

"You won't believe, Dwalin, how many writers pair _you_ up with … _Ori_."

" _WHAT?!_ " screamed Dwalin and Ori, but not as loud as Dori and Nori, however.

"Oh aye, Dwalin/Ori, or "Dwori", is mighty popular," sang Kíli, fluttering his eyelashes at his second-cousin. "Everyone thinks it's so cute to see a big, tough ol' warrior coupled with a sweet, smart and stronger-than-he-looks scribe."

The scribe and warrior looked at each other, blushing violently when their gazes locked.

"There's no way I like Ori in a … romantic sense," Dwalin spluttered.

"You damn well better not!" barked Dori and Nori.

"I feel the same way about you, Dwalin" said Ori, cheeks reddening. "N-not romantically! Not at all in that sense!"

"This community begs to differ," declared Fíli. "Kíli?"

"This story's called _Of Quills and_ _War-hammers_ by someone called _Fredericka189_. A series of one-shots, or short stories, featuring Dwalin/Ori. " _Chapter 1:_ Wedding Night –""

"Oh Mahal, NO!" groaned Dori.

Kíli skipped to the good parts. "" _Dwalin looked down at Ori, amazed at what he saw. He loved everything about him: his brown hair, spread out in loose tresses over the pillow; his milky-white skin littered with its soft hairs and dotted with freckles; his long, lean legs, wrapped around his waist –_ ""

"MAHAL FORBID IT!" screamed the eldest Ri, holding his mortified youngest brother for dear life.

"Goodness, brother, I don't know what to say," murmured Balin, staring at Dwalin with huge eyes.

"It's NOT like it happened!" shouted Dwalin, flushing purple in total discomfort. "I don't even know if Ori HAS freckles down there!"

"Way t'make it worse, you plonker!" barked Nori, seeing Ori's face flush red.

"Dwalin/Ori isn't the only pairing," said Kíli nonchalantly above the din. "Often you'll find Dwalin paired with Nori or Dori."

"Oh good grief, the brothers Ri AND Dwalin?!" moaned Balin. "Disgustin'!"

"I've got a better word than THAT!" said Nori, pulling a face.

"You and me both, brother," said Dori, displeased at the thought of he or his brothers being paired with Dwalin.

"Dwalin/Dori isn't very common, though," chirped Fíli. He eyed Balin and Dori wickedly. " _Balin_ is the preferred partner for Dori."

 _WHAT!_ Bilbo's mind exploded. _Balin and Dori! That's insane!_

"You're not serious," spluttered Balin, gaping like a goldfish.

"You _better_ not be serious!" roared Dori, his eyes bulging.

"Oh, we're serious," came the impertinent reply. "Two Dwarves, well-read and cultured, polite, diplomatic and all that jazz, and fierce in battle … need I say more? Oh, Kíli …"

" _Elegance_ by _Lorelai Loves Bofur's Hat_."

"Aww, that's sweet," said Bofur, touched at the compliment.

"Shut up!" the eldest Ri barked.

"" _Balin ran his fingers through Dori's silver locks, eliciting a sensuous moan in response. Afraid to muss up the beautiful mane, the advisor placed his hands on the other Dwarf's shoulders instead, gently tracing the curves of his muscles. Dori's breath hitched in his throat as those soft, velvety fingers began to massage his shoulders, slowly but firmly kneading his skin. His mind was overcome by a cloud of sensory overload when equally soft lips pressed against the side of his neck._ _A giggle escaped from his mouth as the luscious, snow-white hairs of his One's beard tickled against his cheek_ _–_ ""

" _ENOUGH WITH THE DETAILS!_ " screamed Balin and Dori, too mortified for words at hearing the lurid descriptions.

"Bad luck, brother," said Dwalin, patting his shoulder.

"IT NEVER HAPPENED!" shrieked Balin, trying to hide behind his aforementioned, but not so luscious, snow-white beard.

"This is terrible stuff!" exclaimed Óin, shaking his head mournfully. He glared full-on at Fíli and Kíli. "There better not be any stories about Glóin or me."

"These writers realise that Glóin is too much in love with his wife to engage in an affair with anyone in the Company," answered Fíli. "Same goes for Bombur, what with his having a wife and so many children."

"Thank goodness!" whooped Glóin and Bombur, relieved.

"Although we have seen one or so stories with Glóin paired with Nori."

"NO WAY!" Nori yelled, nearly jumping out of his seat in protest; Glóin nearly did the same. "I don't want nothin' from 'im but his money!"

"You sure about that?"

The star-shaped-haired Dwarf flipped them off in reply.

"Take that as a yes, then," said Fíli. He turned to Óin. "So yes, not a lot of slash stories about Glóin or Bombur."

His eyes darkened in mischief. " _You_ , on the other hand …"

_Oh no, not Óin, too!_

"Me? Don't be bloody ridiculous! I sure as hell can't imagine myself with anyone here!"

"On the contrary, dear Óin," cooed Kíli in a gushing tone, "you've been paired with a notable amount of persons, including Balin."

" _BALIN?!_ " spluttered the healer, nearly dropping his ear-trumpet. "B-but we're COUSINS!"

"The writers honestly don't care about whether any of us are blood-related. They've even paired Thorin and Dwalin together, even though they're cousins."

"That's just sick," mumbled Thorin, unable to meet Dwalin's gaze.

"Indeed," agreed Balin, ill at the thought of being paired with someone who shared the same blood as he, whom he had seen grow from a little baby into a half-deaf, feisty healer.

"If it comforts you, Óin," continued Kíli, smiling widely, "the person you're commonly paired with is not even related to you."

"Well, I'm proper chuffed," grumbled Óin dryly. "Well, who is it?"

Both the princes pointed to the right …

… at _Bifur._

" _You_ and _BIFUR?!_ " boomed Glóin, sitting up straight in his chair, a la hot-poker style.

"Oh my happy hat!" cried Bofur, staring at his cousin with dinner-plate eyes. "You little fox!"

The axe-embedded Dwarf and the healer's skins turned a fine shade of blood-red, and it went even redder when they looked at each other.

" _How_ _did these people come to THAT conclusion?!_ " signed Bifur in strangled Iglishmêk.

"Indeed, I'd like to know!" rumbled Glóin before his older brother could say a word. The fiery-haired Dwarf was glaring daggers in Bifur's direction.

"These writers," started Fíli, "like the idea of you two as a couple because of a variety of, ah, appealing factors. First off, you're not related to each other. You're nearly the same age, give or take three years. One Dwarf is a healer who's deaf, and the other has a head-wound and cannot speak in anything but Khuzdûl. Both are occasionally feisty but helluva kind, too. They've also taken into account your close friendship. Ingredients for a most loving relationship, no?"

" _Ibzig zu_ /Damn you," both Bifur and Óin barked in Khuzdûl and the common tongue, respectively.

"Ah, synchronisation is bliss," sighed the golden-haired prince dramatically. "Kíli, a sample."

" _Healing Hands_ by _Khuzdûl-chan_. " _Óin smiled serenely at his One's handiwork, inwardly thanking Mahal for blessing him with someone so loving and_ _incredibly_ _gifted. "I don't think I deserve you, Bifur," he whispered aloud as the other Dwarf wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him closer. So soft was the whisper, so much so he could not hear himself speak. "_ _I wish my hands were not only made for healin' and were as talented as yours."_ _He tapped his forehead against Bifur's, minding out the way of the axe_ _blade_ _, and whispered thoughtfully,_ _"What other talents can your hands perform, I wonder?" Bifur grinned,_ _before_ _sliding_ _a_ _hand down_ _the healer's pants –_ ""

"ONE MORE WORD AND I'LL THROW THIS EAR-TRUMPET AT YOU!" shouted Óin, the tomato-red healer wishing he had his staff with him.

" _Make them stop!_ " signed Bifur furiously to Thorin, the axe-embedded Dwarf sinking low into seat and praying for a lightning bolt to strike him out of existence.

Glóin looked at Bifur, thinking the same thing.

"One more pairing, Uncle," said Fíli and Kíli through their cackles before Thorin could say a word.

"If it's about me," cut in Nori, looking livid, "then you wallies will find 'orse 'eads in your beds!"

"Lucky guess," said Kíli, impressed. "You're always paired up with a lot of people."

"Trust my luck, I'm the Company screw," grumbled Nori. "First it's Dwalin, then it's Glóin …"

"But you don't see a lot of action as much as Bofur!" said Fíli, smiling at the hat-wearing Dwarf in question.

Bofur's jaw dropped. "Me?!" he whimpered. "Surely not!"

"Goodness, Bofur, you're paired up with virtually _everyone_ , except Bombur and Bifur, obviously," proclaimed the golden-haired prince. "These writers _love_ your personality, and they see every interaction with everyone as a flirtatious gesture and a means of getting you together with someone."

"Oh dear!"

"Take for example, when you were comforting Bilbo earlier and made reference to his "southern extremities". Mahal knows they would lap that kind of stuff and turn it into a Bofur-loves-Bilbo story."

"WHAT!" Bofur and Bilbo were outraged. "That was a friendly gesture! We're only good friends!"

"They don't think soooo," sang Kíli teasefully. "Next to Thilbo Bagginshield, Bofur/Bilbo, or Boffins, is the most popular pairing."

"NO WAY!" they cried, wide-eyed. "ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

"Geez, guys, when we state a fact, it's true," complained Fíli, shaking his head. "Anyway, Bofur is often paired with everybody because of his nice-guy status, making him a magnet for you other Dwarves … _especially_ Nori."

"Good luck sleepin' tonight, munchkins," rumbled the star-shaped-haired Dwarf, giving the princes death-stares; Bofur only blushed.

"Like with Bifur and Óin, the writers take in the close friendship between you, plus your different economic backgrounds, professions and personalities," said Kíli, smirking for all he was worth. "Care to hear an excerpt from _Popsicle Twilight's_ amazing _In The Still of the Night_?"

"I planned on havin' nightmares tonight, anyway," whimpered Bofur, rubbing his eyes.

"" _Bofur reached out and pulled the_ _thief'_ _s braids loose. Long, brown hair trailed down his back,_ _emphasising his lithe,_ _slender physique, especially around the waist area. How Bofur wanted to run his hands through those locks, to rest his hands on that supple waist and pull him closer._ _He wanted to touch his lips with his own, perhaps joke after that he was able to steal a kiss from him before kissing him again. Nori noticed_ _Bofur's topaz-blue eyes shining brightly and chuckled to himself. Here was a fine opportunity for the hat-wearing Dwarf to take the thief right there and then whilst their companions lay in slumber,_ _but he seemed so hesitant. How sweet. Perhaps he ought to_ _step it up a notch? Nori_ _arched his back_ _,_ _whispering breathlessly, almost moaning, Bofur's name –_ ""

"And that, ladies and gents, is why Fíli and Kíli will never live to become kings of Erebor, the end," thundered Nori, itching to launch himself at the princes and knock some sense into their heads.

"Awful, awful, awful," was all Bofur could say, pulling his hat over his eyes in humiliation.

"Definitely awful," agreed Bilbo with a shudder. "These people are insane. How anyone could find this hilarious is beyond me."

"This website, dear friends, is gold!" said Fíli and Kíli. "We've never laughed so hard in our lives!"

"You two would laugh at this kind of trash," remarked Thorin, glaring furiously at his nephews. Bilbo and his companions nodded in firm agreement. "Honestly, I don't see anything humorous about these stories at all. How could you find it so amusing?"

Fíli and Kíli grinned.

"Because there aren't any slash fanfiction stories about _us_!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rabbit and pork 'bout bein' famous! - Cockney rhyming slang for "talk about being famous!"  
> Ibzig zu - Damn you.
> 
> I really let myself go in this chapter. XD And for that, I couldn't fit in what I wanted to add, so for that reason this story will be a three-shot instead, hip hip hooray! :) Please let me know which bits you like best in the comments below - I'd love to hear what you think. :D The above stories and authors don't exist, nor have I ever wrote that explicitly in my life (and on a Sunday, too, good grief). Fíli and Kíli are mischievous buggers, hey? XD
> 
> *~AI07~* ;)


	3. In Which Revenge Definitely Is Best Served Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin, Bilbo and Company desperately search for a solution to the slash fanfiction debacle. Luckily, with a little input from a friend/chief instigator behind the debacle, revenge is about to be served cold and ready to eat for two princes ...

“I'm going to kill Gandalf. I will, you know."

“I don't doubt you, Master Baggins.”

“Just as long as we can also cop a piece of that action. And throttle Fíli and Kíli, whilst we're at it and all.”

Everyone murmured their agreement to Nori's statement (Thorin was especially vocal on that aspect). Bilbo and the Dwarves were seated around a table in one of Thorin's private chambers. On the table, a laptop was open before them – or at least before Ori, who was sitting in front of it, pressing the Refresh button continuously.

“Anything _now_ , Ori?” asked Dori, and not for the first time.

His younger brother shook his head once more, staring at the screen with a dejected expression. “Nothing yet.”

Bilbo swore under his breath. “I really _am_ going to kill that bloody Wizard,” he snapped angrily. “He's bound to have already seen all the messages we've sent him. I dare say we've filled up his entire inbox! Honestly, how long does it take for someone to reply?”

“He damn well better reply, otherwise I'll hunt him down and cut off his head for a trophy,” growled Dwalin. “And then those two nitwits are next.”

“Brutal as that sounds, I'm all for it,” replied (surprisingly yet unsurprisingly) Balin with a nod. “I swear on all that is sacred in this world, Fíli and Kíli have been no end of frustration for the last two days since they discovered that awful website.”

Thorin nodded with a sigh. “I agree, Balin. Every spare moment they get with that tablet, they're cackling over some idiotic Hobbit slash stories that they discovered.”

He massaged his aching temples as he continued. “And when they're not reading that abysmal trash, they're playing the fool with none-too-subtle references to pairings that include me. Only yesterday morning, they asked me when “Uncle Thranduil” was going to come and visit.”

The others grimaced at the implications of that statement.

“They've been truly annoying,” concurred Bilbo with an unimpressed frown. “On the way to dinner, for some strange reason they were calling me “Bella” and “Billa” among other ridiculous female names. They even called me … how did they say it? They practically screamed it … oh yes, “BAMF”! What in goodness name is a “bamf”?”

Then the Hobbit shuddered, blushing as he said, “And then they asked me if I've seen Thorin's secret jewels yet.”

“Oh, good grief,” moaned the Dwarf King, hiding his ruby-red face in his hands.

“Lawks, Thorin,” said Nori, shaking his head, “if you were a woman, you'd be in possession of the two biggest tits in the whole chuffin' kingdom!”

“NORI!” cried Dori, appalled. “That's _no_ acceptable way to label the princes!”

“Leave it out, Dori, I bet you secretly agree wiv me. You try and tell me that you don't!”

A pause.

“Alright, so they _are_ actin' like tits,” admitted Dori.

He crossed his arms, tiredness showing on his face. “The lads have been getting' on my nerves like you wouldn't believe, pesterin' me whenever they get the chance. For example, the day before yesterday, they caught me braidin' my hair – Ori, you were there with me, remember? Mindin' our own business we were, me busy with my hair and Ori writin' away in his journal, bless him.”

The eldest's Ri's voice changed into that of a sinister rumble. “Then along came the two lads, lookin' so innocent-like, but you could see the mischief brewin' in their eyes. And then, before I knew it, they had the unmitigated gall to say to me – and I quote – “Perhaps you ought to get Balin to help you with your hair. We hear he's talented with his fingers. But then you probably know that already.” Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather and then some! Such an indecent suggestion – and they said it in front of _Ori_ , my goodness! Really, I never felt so embarrassed in all my life!”

“ _You're_ embarrassed?” spluttered Balin, his skin so scarlet that it nearly matched the intensity of his own scarlet robe. “For the last two days, they've been givin' me groomin' tips and sayin' things like, “You ought to look after your beard, Balin, because Dori is fanatical about details like that. He loves a well-groomed beard, and it wouldn't for you to let him down, what with your status as a sophisticated Dwarf.””

“They said THAT?!” cried Glóin, gob-smacked. “Why, those impudent buggers!”

“That's too nice an insult to give 'em,” said (very surprisingly) Bofur, quite shocked that his youngest companions were acting like utter buffoons towards their elders.

“Mahal, take me,” moaned Dori, ready to leave this world, he was so embarrassed. “If it wasn't just me and Balin, they also went after Ori, too, after they were done havin' their fun with me.”

“They did?” said Thorin, turning his gaze on the youngest Ri. “What did they say?”

The scribe's ears glowed red. “Well, I was busy writing in my journal, like Dori said. After they were done teasing him, Fíli and Kíli wanted to know if I had done any recent drawings of … uh, of Mister Dwalin.”

Dwalin stiffened in his seat. “What _kind_ of drawings?”

Ori's voice was a whisper when he answered: “They were wanting to know if there were any drawings of you that were … _provocative_ …”

Dwalin felt a sense of dread overwhelm him. “In what way provocative?”

A whimper. “ _Revealing_ drawings … as in _nude_.”

The warrior Dwarf had a choking fit. After Balin and Óin thumped him properly on the back, he stood straight, a fire burning in his eyes.

“Those BLOODY DEVILS!” he yelled. “They've really been getting' off on this lark! They've been buggerin' the hell out of me about my bein' paired with Ori whenever they lay their eyes on me. I was at sparrin' practice this mornin', usin' only my axes, and those two sauntered along and watched. Right in the middle of things, one of them piped up – Fíli, it was – and said, “Not bad on those axes, Dwalin. Wouldn't you say, Kíli?” And then Kíli said, “Definitely not bad. But his best weapon has got to be his sword. I think Ori would agree me. After all, he's probably seen some of that action.””

“Oh my goodness!” cried Bilbo, shaking his head in mortification.

“Mother of Mahal,” whined Dori; Ori merely looked down at his lap, wondering how he was still alive because he was sure he would die from humiliation.

Dwalin pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation, mumbling, “I swear, I nearly threw my axes at 'em!”

“You should have!” said Óin. “Save us all the misery, to be sure.”

“I gather you've been havin' trouble with my nephews, too?” queried Thorin, turning his attention to his cousin, who nodded.

He also glanced at Bifur. “And I'm sure if Óin's been on the receiving end of their nonsense, then you have been as well. Am I right?”

Bifur heaved a long, drawn-out sigh. “ _Yes._ _They've haven't spared me, either._ _No matter where I go, they're always there, giggling up a storm whenever they see me. Making obscene gestures and the like._ ”

“What kind of gestures?”

Here the axe-embedded Dwarf blushed. “ _That I can't exactly say,_ _or sign,_ _because it would be inappropriate, but they did_ _ask which was bigger, my spear or Óin's staff._ ”

The implications of that statement sunk in fast.

Óin's response was almost instantaneous.

“THEY'LL ********* KNOW WHEN I HIT THEM ON THEIR HEADS WITH IT!” he shouted, his face flushing fifty shades of red.

“Cheeky blighters, those two,” murmured Bilbo, laying a calming hand on the healer's shoulder.

“What my poor sister has to go through,” muttered Thorin to himself before he addressed his cousin again. “And what have they said to you?”

Óin was still very angry, so he boomed petulantly, “Those imbeciles, Mahal help me, have been nothin' but bothersome. Just yesterday afternoon, Bifur came to collect some herbs on Bombur's behalf – one of his bairns had taken ill. When I met him outside the infirmary, who was standin' nearby but those terrible twits! They both gave us lewd looks and gestures. Definitely enjoyin' themselves too much at my expense and Bifur's.”

“Disgraceful,” commented Balin. The others nodded in affirmation.

Óin snorted. “You think _that_ was bad? Wait 'til you hear what else happened!”

The healer turned to Glóin with a livid expression. “I only caught Glóin's lad spyin' on me and Bifur!”

“ _Gimli?_ ” chorused the others. “Gimli? Spying on you two?”

“Aye! Bifur saw him hidin' out in the hallway. He tried to run away, but Durin knows my nephew can't sprint to save his life. Didn't take much to wheedle the truth out of him.”

His voice rose a pitch higher as he glared at his brother. “Apparently his _father_ paid him to spy on us!”

Glóin's face reddened as baffled eyes fell on him. “What? It was just a precaution!” he said defensively. “Just makin' sure you two weren't doin' something … stupid.”

“Payin' Gimli to spy on us because of your paranoia based on _fictional_ stories was _stupid_ ,” Óin barked, causing his brother to blush even more; Bifur merely rolled his eyes in agreement, wondering to himself what Glóin would do if he and Óin were really in a relationship.

Turning away from his cousin, Thorin finally settled his gaze on Bofur and Nori.

“And what about you two?” he asked. “No doubt my witless nephews took their chance to irritate you.”

Nori snorted. “Righ' on the mark. Those twonks got on my tits like y'wouldn't believe. They were 'intin' about all kinds of nasty stuff. At one point they said I must've stolen more than Bofur's 'eart when we met!”

Bofur groaned, pulling at his hat's flaps in agitation. “I have a feelin' what they meant by _that_ , an' I don't like it! Not at bleedin' all!”

“Poor thing,” sympathised Bombur. “It's not nice what they're doin'.”

“I tell ye, it's _horrible_ ,” said the hat-wearing Dwarf miserably. “I can't even be _seen_ with Nori without those nincompoops standin' there, sniggerin' away in an irritatin' fashion. It's windin' me up, it really is.”

“Same 'ere,” added Nori, patting his friend's back with a frown on his face. “It's been gettin' on our last nerves and all. I'm gettin' downrigh' sick of it. Somethin' ought to t'be done about those two plonkers.”

“Hear hear!” the others roared.

“Now if _only_ Gandalf actually answered his messages,” grumbled Thorin. “If he got us into this mess, he can damn well get us out of it.”

“ _Then_ can we kill him?” queried Bilbo.

“Absolutely.”

Suddenly, Ori gave a cry. When everyone turned to look at him, he said excitedly, “It's Gandalf! He's sent us a message! He _actually_ replied!”

“Took his ruddy time,” boomed Dwalin, inwardly praising the heavens. The others were also inwardly rejoicing, satisfied that the Wizard/chief pain in their bottoms had finally answered. What he had to say, however – well, they would just have to see.

The Dwarves and the Hobbit gathered around Ori, who opened up the long-awaited email. After five seconds, the message was loaded onto the screen, and together they all read it (the following message has been punctuated by frequent interruptions, so you have been warned):

 _From: Gandalf the Grey <[waywardwizard@middleearthmail.com](mailto:waywardwizard@middleearthmail.com)>_  
 _To: Ori <[t](mailto:thescribbler@middleearthmail.com)[hescribbler](mailto:thescribbler@middleearthmail.com)[@middleearthmail.com](mailto:supersexysonofdurin@middleearthmail.com)[>  
](mailto:thescribbler@middleearthmail.com)_ _Subject: My reply (happy now?)._

_Dear friends_

_Thank you very much for inundating my inbox with your frantic messages. What an absolute joy it was for me to read over your numerous threats and curses. And such creative stuff, too! That's exactly the kind of behaviour I'd expect from civilised Dwarves (and a Hobbit) such as yourselves._

(“E's really takin' the mickey,” huffed Nori.)

_If Nori is present, then yes, I am “taking the mickey”._

(“And **** you too, Gandalf,” came the heated reply.)

_Sarcasm aside, I have taken your concerns into account and realise the distress that you may be feeling at this point in time –_

(“ _May_ be feelin'?!” exclaimed Balin. “Does he think we're doin' dandy or something?”)

– _but let me just tell you: **do not fret**. No, really, you'll give yourselves heart attacks. I'm well aware that Fíli and Kíli have been sources of vexation for you lot since they discovered _ Hobbit Hole Haven.net –

(“But yer the one who told 'em about it!” shrieked Bofur.)

– _and I must say, I didn't think they'd take their shenanigans this far (so far to the point that my inbox is nearly at its fullest). After all, it was only for a laugh. Still, that is besides the point, and I feel obliged that you all took the time to contact me about this matter. I dare say I'm quite touched that you all have faith in my abilities to rectify this problem._

(“YOU'RE THE **** ****** THAT STARTED THE ******* PROBLEM!” yelled Óin.)

 _Now then, to business. As we all know by now (and if you've had your head in the sand this entire time, then I must ask what's wrong with you) ,_ Hobbit Hole Haven.net _is dedicated to pairing you dear fellows up in a romantic sense. It's littered with every imaginable combination that one could ever think of (personally, I think “Thilbo Bagginshield” is charming, but that's neither here nor there) –_

(“He won't think us charming when we throttle him to death,” growled Thorin under his breath to Bilbo, who only blushed violently at the very idea that the Wizard thought his being coupled with the Dwarf king was “charming”.)

– _and people who contribute to this website or merely take in what's on offer love these pairings with all their hearts, bless them._

_But I'm sure at some stage, whether they told you themselves or if you figured it out yourselves, that it's apparent that there are **no** slash fanfiction stories that include **Fíli or Kíli** on this website. _

The Company paused in their reading and looked at each other in bemusement.

“W-ell, when they told us that there weren't any stories about them, I was incredulous,” said Dori at last. “After all, if the website's all about us, surely they'd be included, too?”

“ _I wouldn't want to think who they'd be paired up with,_ ” signed Bifur with a grimace.

They continued reading:

 _Strange, don't you think? But despite all the reading skills they have acquired over the last two days, it's clear that their skills are not quite up to par. If that were the case, they would have noticed a particular sub-heading in the website's title-box … a sub-heading that reads, “_ Affiliations _”._

 _If they happened to click on “_ Affiliations _”, a new window with a list of website links would appear. Each site is dedicated to different people that we all know. Thranduil and Bard, among others, come to mind._

(“Blech, a website all about an Elf?” spat Glóin in disgust. “Next they'll have sites pairing Elves with Dwarves!”

“Don't even mention it,” said Thorin, feeling nauseated, the “Uncle Thranduil” remark still fresh in his mind.)

_But at the very top of this list is a **very** popular site dedicated to …_

_Well, why don't I just leave the link at the bottom for you to find out? (Because I have a feeling that none of you, except dear Ori, has the technological savvy to even **find** _ Hobbit Hole Haven.net _, let alone find this particular website.)_

_Once you see the link's name, I'm sure it'll become clear what you'll need to do._

_After all, it's no fun when someone rains on your parade._

_Now it's your time to make it rain **hell** on those two rascals. _

_May food and drink flow evermore in the halls of Durin when occasion calls for feast (although I advise that Bombur have his fill and be locked away to ensure the above actually happening)!_

_Your friend throughout the ages  
_ _Gandalf the Grey_

_PS. I hope you all are satisfied now. Now please let me enjoy my holiday in peace._

“Darned Wizard, so full of himself,” grumbled Dwalin, shaking his head.

“Absolutely,” agreed Bilbo. “It grates on my nerves, the things he says and does. I often wonder why he is still alive despite all the grief he puts us through.”

“One of those questions that will never be answered,” murmured Thorin before turning to to Ori. “Is the link there, Ori?”

“Right here,” replied the scribe, who had scrolled down to the bottom of the page. And there it was, the link highlighted in blue:

[ http://durincestcentral.net/page1/ ](http://durincestcentral.net/page1/)

““Durincest … Central … dot net”?” everyone read out loud.

“Well, do we know what to do _now_ , lads?” asked Bombur, his words dripping with sarcasm (he was quite sore about Gandalf's end comment).

“We'll just have to click on the link to find out,” said Thorin, puzzling over the website's name. _**Durin**_ _cest? What could that mean?_ “Ori, if you will …”

Ori clicked on the link. Very soon, a new window was loading. Everyone watched as the white screen changed into a bright, grey-blue colour. A white box slowly appeared with bold, thick lettering written within it. It read:

 **DURINCEST CENTRAL.NET  
** **FANFICTION SITE DEDICATED TO FÍLI AND KÍLI  
** **THE MOST DISHIEST DWARVES IN ALL OF MIDDLE EARTH**

“Ah well, now _that_ makes one degree o'sense,” remarked Bofur.

“Struth, Bofur, 'ow _you_ can find sense in that last sentence is beyond me,” commented Nori with a shake of his head.

“Really?” said Thorin, raising an eyebrow. “My _nephews_? “The most dishiest Dwarves?””

“I only ever associate Fíli and Kíli with the word “dish” when it comes to them throwing _mine_ about,” barked Bilbo.

“Mahal must have a wicked sense of humour,” Dwalin deadpanned.

“And a stupid one, at that,” added Óin in a similar tone.

“Goodness, a whole site for them!” said Dori, amazed. “Who knew?”

“ _Think of how many people must write about them_ ,” signed Bifur in disbelief.

“Scary stuff,” said Glóin, praying that these mad, Middle Earth-obsessed fanatics would not come after his son.

“It's not done loadin' yet, lads,” responded Balin, looking at the screen with pursed lips. He was right; the loading bar was only halfway complete.

“We can still scroll down the page a bit whilst it finishes loading,” said Ori, doing just that.

The Company was not prepared for what they were about to see.

The moment Ori scrolled down the page, a rather large digital drawing of two sturdy-looking, muscular and very much naked male figures, who were engaged in a compromising (read: highly erotic) position, appeared before the eyes of Bilbo and his companions.

And believe you me, the Company nearly had apoplectic fits.

“WHAT IN MAHAL'S NAME –?!”

“GOODNESS GRACIOUS! I DID NOT EXPECT TO SEE THAT!”

“MOTHER OF AULE, WOULD YOU LOOK AT WHAT THEY'RE DOIN'!'

“ARE YOU ********* CRAZY?!”

“AUGH! GET THAT DISGUSTIN' IMAGE OUT OF MY SIGHT!”

“HOW CAN YE TWIST YER LEG AROUND LIKE THAT?! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE”

“ _MAHALU-ME TURG!_ ”

“HOLY HELL, GET A LOAD OF _THAT_ TOOL BETWEEN HIS LEGS!”

“NEVERMIND THAT, CHECK WHERE HIS FINGERS ARE! RIGHT UP HIS –”

“ORI, NORI, COVER YOUR EARS AND YOUR EYES _NOW_!”

And it progressively got worse.

Ori, who was too surprised to listen to his brother's order, cried out, “Why, this is a picture of _Fíli and Kíli_!”

“Say WHAT!?” roared Thorin above the din, pushing everyone out the way to have a look. The Dwarves and the Hobbit watched as the Dwarf king leaned over the laptop and scanned the image. They watched as his rosy skin quickly attained a dark-green colour.

“Thorin, are you alright?” queried Balin.

“Mother of Mahal,” muttered Thorin, falling into a chair next to Ori. He looked positively ill.

“Mother of Mahal,” he said again as he covered his face with his hands, his voice sounding weak.

“Ori, are you sure that those two figures in that smutty picture are Fíli and Kíli?” asked Bilbo, too appalled to have another look.

“It's them,” mumbled Thorin suddenly through his fingers. “I recognise their faces.”

Nori dared to look over his youngest brother's shoulder. “Huh, I'm surprised you can even _spot_ their faces, let alone recognise 'em,” he commented. “I mean, 'ave a look where Fíli's face is. Suckin' on Kíli's –”

“ _NORI!_ ”

“It's them,” Thorin repeated, rubbing his eyes. “My nephews, albeit partaking in a … non-brotherly activity.”

“Uh, Mister Oakenshield?” said Ori, his eyes growing wider and wider by the second as he scrolled down the screen. “There's, um, _more_ …”

“Oh no,” the Dwarf next to him muttered, his green skin growing ever more darker.

“Oh no, indeed,” the others also muttered, dread filling their frames.

Bravely yet tentatively, the Company shifted forwards, leaning over the shoulders of their king and scribe to have a look at the now-loaded screen; Thorin, with despondency and great reluctance, joined in the looking (Dori attempted to shield Ori from the screen, with no success).

The reactions are what you would expect.

“Lawks alive, would ye look at that!” Bofur whistled as he ran his eyes over the numerous titles and summaries that took up the entire screen. “Stories! All fanfiction stories!”

“And artwork!” added Bombur.

“Oh no, none of that, please,” Óin groaned. “I don't want to be deaf _and_ blind!”

“My goodness, there's just so many!” cried Bilbo, overwhelmed at the amount of stories and artwork laid out before him. “Too many to count!”

“Page 1 out of 4000!” noted Nori with astonishment. “ _4000_ , lads!”

“4000 pages of stories and pictures about my nephews?” Thorin groaned, looking green as grass. “What has the world come to?”

“ _So_ _ **that's**_ _what “Durincest” is_!” signed Bifur, snapping his fingers.

When everyone looked at him with questioning looks, Bifur explained using Iglishmêk.

““ _Durincest”_ _is a combination of the words “Durin” and “incest”._ _In other words, Fíli and Kíli are being paired together in a romantic sense – and this website is dedicated to this pairing alone!_ ”

“Dear goodness,” murmured Bilbo, shuddering. “So despite the fact that they're brothers, people are writing romance stories about them _and_ drawing erotic pictures of them?”

The Hobbit shuddered again, resisting the urge to heave. “And here I thought _we_ had it worse, what with Hobbit Hole Haven. They've got an entire website!”

“Sickenin', that,” said Balin, shaking his head.

“Horrible,” agreed Glóin, Bombur and Dori.

“Totally disgustin',” remarked Dwalin, Óin and Bofur.

“Scarrin',” commented Nori, earning himself nods from Ori and Bifur.

“Actually, this is the best thing yet.”

The speaker of this shocking statement was _Thorin_.

Bilbo and the Dwarves stared in horror at the Dwarf in question the moment those words left his mouth. Indeed, he sat straight in his chair with a wide-awake expression on his face. Gone was the green hue of his skin. A strange fire burned away in his ice-blue orbs. In the matter of a few seconds, Thorin had went from looking malady-stricken to majestic.

But that didn't stop his companions from ogling him like he was an idiot.

“Thorin, are you blooming mad?” said Bilbo, throwing his arms up in the air. “Did you hear what you just said? Surely you cannot be serious?”

“No, yes, and yes again, Master Baggins,” answered Thorin calmly yet firmly. Upon receiving even more stupefied looks, he sighed and stood up, saying, “Don't you see what we have here?”

“Garbage?” answered Dwalin.

“Well, yes … obviously,” his cousin said in a matter-of-fact tone. “But don't you see anything _else_?”

There was a slight pause after that statement as everyone tried to see the advantage of this disgusting website.

It was Nori who finally broke the silence.

“Blackmail,” he intoned slowly, his eyes attaining a mischievous glitter as he uttered that word.

Thorin nodded, his own orbs beginning to glitter. “Exactly, Nori. _Blackmail_.”

“Blackmail?” repeated Bilbo, a little confused at first. “Blackmail? What –”

The Hobbit paused as the statement sank in. He felt his stomach drop. He looked up at his companions, a worried expression sketched onto his face. Judging by the wicked, smirking looks on their faces, it was clear to him that his companions came to the same conclusion as him, albeit with (obvious) opposite reactions.

He faced Thorin, who had donned a similar-looking wicked expression of his own. Nervously, he said, “Thorin, blackmail? Surely not …?”

“Why not?” the dark-haired Dwarf asked. His mouth had morphed into that of a grin.

A very impish, nefarious grin that his nephews must have inherited.

“Indeed, why not, Bilbo?” purred Glóin, smiling diabolically. “It'll serve those boys right –”

“And it'll wipe the smirks clear off their faces,” added Dori, clapping his hands to emphasise his point.

“I really don't think this is appropriate –”

“Of course it isn't,” cut in Balin, smirking for Middle Earth. “That's the whole point.”

“Ooh, I can't wait to see the looks on their faces when they see this!” Bofur sang excitedly to Nori, who only cackled widely in reply.

“ _It'll certainly be an eye-opener, that's for sure,_ ” signed Bifur, uncharacteristically twiddling his fingers in malevolent delight.

The others all voiced their agreement, to the consternation of their Hobbit companion.

“But Thorin,” he said, his voice rising above the din, “surely this is all a bit drastic? To show Fíli and Kíli this website just to get back at them for all the grief they gave us about Hobbit Hole Haven?”

Thorin merely smiled gently at him.

“My dear Bilbo,” he said innocently. “I plan to do more than just show them this website …”

Bilbo stared at him. “What could be worse than showing them this incestuous smut?”

The smile grew larger.

“Ori, open up a Word document.”

* * *

“Fíli, you've got an email.”

“I can see the notification quite clearly, Kíli.”

“Are you going to read it now? I'm way too caught up in this Bagginshield fanfic. I mean, it's not everyday that you read about Uncle Thorin getting Bilbo pregnant.”

Fíli snickered. “My dear brother, good as this story is, it cannot even begin to compare to that one Bagginshield story where Bilbo accidentally gets married to him because of a Dwarf custom which the author clearly made up.”

Kíli hooted with laughter at the mere mention of that story.

“That _was_ a glorious story,” he said wistfully. “I mean, who knew pulling at your beard-hair was a proposal of marriage?”

His brother shook his head, chortling to himself. “Where these people get their ideas from, I just don't know.”

“Anyway,” he continued, minimising the window on which they were reading the Bagginshield story, “let's see this email. Then we can get back to the story –”

“And then tease Uncle and Bilbo about it?” Kíli asked hopefully.

“Naturally.”

The golden-haired prince tapped the screen, and immediately the email opened up before them.

“Huh, it's from Ori,” he said.

Kíli raised an eyebrow. “From Ori? Didn't we see him an hour ago?”

“Probably forgot to tell us something,” replied Fíli with a shrug. “Although he didn't have much to say when we showed him that fanfic where he and Dwalin secretly begin to court.”

“His face said it all,” said Kíli, guffawing. “Good grief, his face was redder than red, you could hardly see his freckles.”

“Poor Ori,” chuckled Fíli. “I almost feel bad for him and the others. _Almost_.”

“Come on, Fí, let's get a move on,” his brother whined. “Bagginshield beckons!”

The princes looked at the email, which was _very_ short.

_From: Ori <thescribbler@middleearthmail.com>_   
_To: Fíli <supersexysonofdurin@middleearthmail.com> _   
_Subject: [No Subject]_

_[ https://www.durincestcentral.net/s/10 ](https://www.durincestcentral.net/s/10393655/1/) _ _[ 404569 ](https://www.durincestcentral.net/s/10393655/1/) _ _[ /1/ ](https://www.durincestcentral.net/s/10393655/1/) _

_Regards  
_ _The Company of Thorin Oakenshield_

“A _link_? That's it?” said Kíli, quite confused. “They left us a link?”

“When it comes to emails, Uncle does get straight to the point,” murmured Fíli, his curiosity aroused. _Everyone sending a link through Ori's email account, and nothing else? What is going on?_

“ _Durincest Central.net_?” his younger brother interrupted his thoughts. “What's that mean? That there's a website about the line of Durin or something?”

“I think that,” started Fíli, looking at the dark-haired prince, “instead of us asking these rather pointless questions, we should open this link. Perhaps then we can get the answers we need.”

Kíli stuck a tongue out at him. “Proceed, brother dearest.”

“Immature git,” grumbled his older brother before clicking on the link.

The brothers watched as the new window quickly loaded on the tablet screen. Before long, a lengthy string of text appeared before their eyes on a white background framed by a grey-blue colour. At the top of the page, the words _Durincest Central.net_ appeared in large, bold and black lettering. The page's format, they noticed, looked suspiciously familiar …

“It's like _Hobbit Hole Haven.net_ ,” said Kíli when it dawned on him.

“So I see,” responded Fíli. “This must be a fanfiction site as well, and this is most likely a fanfiction story.”

Indeed it was. Their eyes fell on a smaller, but quite thick, title, followed by the author's name: “ _Two of Hearts_ by _Monarchist Pony_.”

“Uh oh, it looks like a love story,” said Fíli, narrowing his eyes. Suspicion and dread were beginning to grow within his frame …

“Ooh, maybe it's a slashfic starring our dear companions,” said Kíli with an ill-disguised snicker.

“But why would they send us a link to one?” questioned the golden-haired prince. “That doesn't make any sense at all.”

Kíli rolled his eyes. “Instead of asking these pointless questions, perhaps we should read on to get the answers we need,” he said in a (mocking) Fíli-type tone.

Fíli threw a rude gesture at his brother before clearing his throat and beginning to read the story.

““ _They were a tangle of limbs. Golden skin_ _pressed against ethereal white skin. Their bodies,_ _bare,_ _flushed yet satisfied, were close together, and they could feel the sweet heat radiating from each other. Their hair, one gold and one dark_ _respectively_ _, had come loose from their braids and mingled with each other, as if rays of sunlight and slivers of dark moonbeams had come together._ ””

“Oh my goodness, they sound quite dishy,” purred Kíli, a wolfish grin plastered on his face.

Fíli said nothing. The suspicion and dread was gnawing at him with more ferocity now. He continued on:

““ _A hand, fair and opalescent as the moonlight, reached out,_ _its fingers trailing down the side of_ _its' owner's_ _sun-kissed_ _lover._ _The desired response was instant: a low moan, a hum of pleasure that rippled through the golden one's body and which the fair one could feel beneath his fingers. He dared to slide his hand lower, only for it to be slapped away. The purring moan had become a peeved groan. “_ _Quit it,”_ _said_ _his par_ _amour_ _. “You've already tired me out.” The o_ _ffender_ _merely grinne_ _d, placing his hand over_ _the flaxen-haired_ _chest. “_ _Funny, your heart tells me different,”_ _he said._ ””

“He's a wolf, this one!”

““ _The blonde Dwarf shook his head, unable to repress a grin himself. “_ _The heart is willing, but the mind is not,” he said, gently pushing away the hand. When a whine of protest hit his ears, he chuckled, murmuring, “Good grief, you're such a baby. Even when you were small, you always kicked up a fuss when you didn't get what you want. Baby, baby, that's all you are.” “But I'm_ your _baby, right?” the younger Dwarf cooed, resting his head on the other's shoulder._ ””

““Baby?” _Really_? How unoriginal.”

The suspicion and dread was stronger now …

““ _His One rolled his eyes, but the sunny grin still remained. “It doesn't matter what I call you, so long as you know that you're mine,” he replied earnestly. Another moan escaped past his lips when the dark-haired Dwarf pressed his mouth against the side of neck, teasing it with small kisses and nips._ _The hands were travelling once more, running down his back until it came to rest on his hips. The light-haired Dwarf could feel his heart pulsing away in his chest,_ _ready to burst like a firecracker. Tired though he was, he was enjoying this immensely, and damn it all if he was going to let_ _the younger Dwarf dominate him like this._ ””

“Phwoar, they're like a couple of wild animals!”

“I don't think I want to read on,” said Fíli at last.

“Why not?” asked Kíli, bemused.

“I don't know … I'm just getting a funny feeling about this,” his brother replied, chewing on his bottom lip in trepidation.

“Oh, come on, Fíli!” Kíli whined. “Read just a little more! I want to know who these two are!”

Fíli shook his head. “I'm not going to read any more.”

“Fine, then _I'll_ do it,” huffed Kíli, swiping the tablet out of his brother's hands.

“But Kíli –”

“Don't “but” me, dear Fíli, you'll hurt yourself,” the dark-haired prince tartly interrupted. “The story is short anyway. It'll all be over in a jiffy.”

He launched into it before Fíli could stop him:

““ _With all the strength he could muster,_ _the older Dwarf flipped the other over until he was atop of him, staring down at him with lust-glazed eyes and a ravenous smile. “That's what you get for_ _trying to get at me whilst I'm down.” The other's gaze, initially surprised, melted into a look of pure and utter desire. “I couldn't have asked for anything better,” he whispered seductively. The older Dwarf blinked before letting out a chortle. “You cheeky bugger,” he laughed. “You planned this, didn't you?”_ ”

“““ _Aye.”_

““ _Didn't think you were clever enough to think of that, especially when you're in the mood.”_

“““ _Oh shush,” his One muttered before pulling on the golden braids of his beard, bringing their lips together in a_ _kiss. The older Dwarf hummed with pleasure as the younger one_ _probed his mouth –_ ””

“Kíli …” said Fíli, enveloped by fear.

““– _and ran his fair hands through his radiant locks. He could feel himself being overcome by a craving for the other's touches, his kisses … his_ everything _. He did not care about who could hear them, or what those people were thinking – all he wanted at this moment was what the other wanted, too: to_ _take each other … again._ ””

“Kili …!”

““ _The Dwarves finally_ _broke_ _apart._ _They were both out of breath._ _Both their skins had attained a flushing glow. The blonde and dark locks were once again entangled together. The lovers were well aware of the rising heat between them, the heat of wanton, hungry and youthful love. It was a glorious feeling. Gently, the blonde Dwarf tapped their foreheads together, staring lovingly into the eyes of his One_ _and caressing a stubbly cheekbone_ _._ ””

“ _Kili!_ ” Fili's voice was high-pitched now.

But it was too late.

“““ _Oh Kíli, you'll always have my heart._ ”

“““ _And mine, yours, Fíli_. _”_ ””

A heavy silence immediately filled the room as the words sank in.

Slowly, Kíli looked up from the tablet, a truly horrified expression on his face. He looked at his brother, who wore a similar expression. Like Kíli, his mouth was gaping open, and his eyes were so wide one could see the whites of them. When their gazes met, their faces went from crimson to carmine and finally settling on a brutish shade of vermilion.

“Oh … gawd …” was all Kíli could say.

“Oh gawd, indeed,” mumbled Fíli awkwardly.

Kíli looked away, his face growing even more darker.

“This … story … wow …” he tried.

“ _Just_ a story,” his brother said quickly. His skin was painfully purple-red now.

“Of course,” the dark-haired prince said hurriedly. “That's all it is, a story! But … _who_ …?”

“Who would write this?” Fíli offered.

“Exactly!” Kíli caught on, looking back. He now looked more angry than embarrassed, but he was still embarrassed all the same. “Who would write this? This is absolutely _disgusting_! I've never read anything like this!”

“Me neither, Kí,” Fíli said, tugging at a braid nervously. “Just goes to show … there's crazy people out there. I mean … I have _never_ liked you more … than … a brother …”

His younger brother's skin also attained a purple-red hue. “And I … never liked you … like _a lover_ … at _all_.”

Yet another uncomfortable silence followed.

The brothers looked away, darker than the darkest red at this point. Time seemed to tick away at an incredibly slow pace within that room. The silence was almost stifling at this point.

–

–

–

“Kí?”

“Fí?”

“Let's never ever talk about this, aye?”

“… aye.”

“We never read it.”

“Aye.”

“It doesn't exist.”

“Aye.”

“ _Durincest Central.net_ never existed.”

“Aye.”

“We will speak of this to no one.”

“Aye.”

“Feeling a bit better?”

“So-so.”

Fíli breathed in, hoping to clear his head of the filth he heard – and read. “Alright,” he breathed out. “Let's get out of here. Take a walk or something and not think about … what just happened.”

“And let's not even look at the tablet.”

“I'm not even bringing it with me.”

Placing the infernal technological device that had caused them joy for two days and shock and horror in the matter of a few minutes on the table, the brothers pulled themselves together (although avoiding each other's gaze a little bit) and began to leave the room.

But when Fíli opened the door, he and Kíli nearly dropped dead.

Standing outside in the corridor, looking like a pack of most satisfied, blood-hungry Wargs with the most toothiest grins imaginable plastered across their faces, was none other than Thorin Oakenshield and Company.

“Ohhh, shoot,” Fíli wheezed softly, feeling his cheeks burn.

They had forgotten about who sent the story to them.

“Going somewhere, boys?” asked Thorin, baring his teeth in that bloodthirsty smile.

“Thought we might take a walk, Uncle,” answered Kíli in a strangled voice.

“Seen our email?” Thorin said, grin growing wider. The grins of the others grew in size as well.

Fíli and Kíli glanced at each other, gulping, before they turned to look back at their companions.

“What email?” Fíli offered weakly.

“Didn't get one,” Kíli offered as well, also weakly.

“That's strange,” piped up Bilbo this time, stroking his chin thoughtfully. “With the time you spend on that tablet, I thought for sure you'd get our message.”

“Since we're here, lads, perhaps we ought to pass on our message to them, aye?” said Balin in a gleeful manner.

“Yes, let's,” the others chorused. “It'd be a shame not to!”

Fíli and Kíli gulped again.

“Really, we were just on our way out,” said Fíli, starting out before Thorin raised a hand to stop them.

“No, no, my dearest nephews, you simply cannot leave without hearing _this_ ,” he cooed. “I think you'll find it interesting and intriguing and … what else, lads?”

“Movin',” said Balin.

“Inspirin',” said Dwalin.

“Divine,” said Dori.

“Jaw-droppin',” said Bofur.

“Beautiful,” said Ori.

“Tear-jerkin',” said Óin.

“Cuts right to the heart,” said Glóin.

“Delightful,” said Bilbo.

“ _Pleasing_ ,” signed Bifur.

“Romantic,” said Bombur.

“A righ' masterpiece,” said Nori.

“All of those things, yes,” agreed Thorin, nodding at his companions before turning back to look at his horror-struck nephews. “You see? This message is all of those things … _and_ important. So you _do_ ought to hear it.”

“But –!”

“A _marvellous_ thing, love can be,” said Bilbo, fluttering his lashes. “Especially when there's love of an intimate nature between two brothers.”

Fíli and Kíli were dying inside now.

“Ah, nothin' can compare, dear Bilbo,” added Dori wistfully. “And it's amazin' how thousands upon thousands of individuals out there can recognise this love, write about it and share their stories with the world.”

“So many stories out there,” sighed Óin, sounding proud. “I can hardly even think of _one_.”

“Silly brother, did you forget that we just _read_ one of those stories a mere hour ago?” said Glóin teasingly.

“Aye, I remember,” said Óin in delight. “Goodness, but the name escapes me. Pray, what was it called?”

“I'll be bettin' it's somethin' to do with these two lovable rascals here, bless 'em,” said Bombur, winking at the pale princes.

“Perhaps if we _describe_ the story in _vivid_ detail, we'll get the name,” said Bofur cheerfully.

“A most excellent idea, Bofur,” agreed Thorin. “Fire away.”

“Let's seen, then,” started Nori with a thoughtful hum. “If I recall, I remember two bruvvers snoggin' the heck out of each other.”

“Aye, and they were naked, too,” added Dwalin, pulling at his beard in thought. “Naked …”

“Very, _very_ naked,” emphasised Balin.

Fíli and Kíli could barely breathe.

“The one brother had lovely golden hair, and the other had dark hair,” stated Ori. “Mingling together, they were. It would make a beautiful piece of artwork, I'd think.”

“ _And they were speaking about hearts, or something like that_ ,” signed Bifur with a smile. “ _Something like “My heart belongs to you, and yours is mine”._ ”

“Oh yes, now I know!” cried Bilbo dramatically. “ _Two of Hearts_ , am I right?”

“So it is!” the others chorused. “Quite right, Master Baggins!”

The princes died.

“Ah yes, _Two of Hearts_ ,” Thorin sighed, looking at his to-the-point-of-practically-being-deceased nephews. “A terrific read, that slash fiction story. I could talk about it _all_ day … every hour … every minute … every _second_ … every time I shall speak about –”

“Enough, Uncle, please!” yelled the princes. “Stop! We heard enough!”

“Oh, but why?” Thorin innocently queried, frowning. “After all, it's a feast for the senses –”

“We lied,” said Fíli at last, wanting to get away from here. “We got the email.”

“You got the email?”

“Aye, we got it,” answered Kíli, sounding defeated. “We got it, and we read … that story about us.”

“Did you really?”

“Yes, Uncle, we did,” replied Fíli. “Disgusting pile of rubbish, it was. Now please do stop talking about it!”

Thorin and Company glanced at each other, exchanging triumphant smiles. Then, the royal Dwarf turned back to his nephews, a serious look on his face as he addressed them once more.

“If you cease reading Hobbit slash fanfiction … if you cease looking at _Hobbit Hole Haven.net_ … and if you cease pestering us with the pairings, stories and artwork that you came across from this point onward, we shall never speak of _Durincest Central_ nor the story that you read. But if you continue to do any of these things, then we shall gladly speak of it. We shall inform anyone within range, be it a Dwarf, Man or Elf, about this site. Do I make myself clear?”

Fíli and Kíli exchanged looks.

“I said, do I make myself clear, FíKí?”

“FíKí?”

“A combination of both your names,” answered Bilbo. “An appropriate, ah, _shipping_ name, if you will.”

The mention of the shipping name did the trick.

“Yes, Uncle,” the princes answered, dipping their heads in respect.

“Good,” said Thorin at last. “You may leave, hopefully with a shred of dignity intact. We have all gone through a great deal of trauma in the past few days.”

Subdued with shame and embarrassment, Fíli and Kíli departed, trying their best to outrun the hot gazes of their companions burning into their backs.

When the footsteps faded away, there was a short silence.

Then all at once, the Company breathed out long sighs of relief.

“Phew! Thank bloody Mahal that business is done!” bellowed Óin.

“I'll say!” said Dori, running a hand over his braids. “I never acted so much in my life!”

“It was worth it,” said Thorin, rubbing his face as he sighed once more. “We no longer have to contend with any more of that horrific _Hobbit Hole Haven_.”

“I'll drink to that!” said Bofur, dying for some alcohol.

“I'm just surprised that _Bilbo_ was lookin' ecstatic when we confronted the princes,” cut in Balin, confused. “After all, he wasn't so enthusiastic about this blackmailin' solution before.”

The Dwarves looked at the Hobbit, who only blushed.

“What can I say? The revenge bug bit me.”

He paused.

“That, and I never thought _writing slash fanfiction_ could be so much _fun_!”

His friends had to grin at that.

“Indeed, it was a bit nauseating at first when Thorin decided to have Ori and I write _Two of Hearts_ , with all of your ideas and lines, and then register on _Durincest Central.net,_ ” continued Bilbo, “but it was quite funny to imagine what their faces would look like once they read this filth that we came up with!”

“Clever of Bifur to think of the title,” commented Dwalin. The others murmured their agreement.

Bifur blushed. “ _Thank you. But we all had splendid ideas, I think. Nori came up with the neck-kissing scene_.”

Nori grinned. “Got that from experience,” he said, ignoring Dori's disapproving look.

“My favourite bit was the “Baby” scene,” remarked Glóin.

His eyes glinted mischievously in Thorin's direction. “Added your personal touch there, I see.”

His cousin smiled. “Kíli _did_ complain a lot, but Fíli also did his fair share of that, too.”

“Pardon me, Mister Oakenshield, but could we possibly go and get somethin' to eat?” asked Bombur. “All this writin' lark has made me peckish, I do declare.”

“Of course, Bombur,” said Thorin. “I think we all deserve a bite.”

The Company hear-heared this whole-heartedly and began to leave, speaking loudly about their triumph over the terrible two.

“Just promise me, Thorin,” whispered Bilbo to the royal Dwarf, “that we _really_ shall never tease Fíli and Kíli about _Durincest_.”

Thorin chuckled, patting the Hobbit's shoulder reassuringly. “A promise is a promise, Bilbo. I'll make sure they won't hear a word about it … unless _Hobbit Hole Haven_ ever makes its deadly return.”

Bilbo smiled. “I'm sure Fíli and Kíli got the message.”

“I'm sure, too,” murmured Thorin. “Oh, and Bilbo?”

“Yes, Thorin?”

“By the way … _Monarchist Pony_?”

“An anagram of _Thorin's Company_. Granted, Fíli and Kíli acquired some reading skills over the last few days, but they'd never think twice to read between the lines.”

Thorin chuckled again.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold, and I think those two had their fill."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mahalu-me turg! - Mahal's beard!
> 
> And they all lived happily ever after.
> 
> Yay, it's done! A very warm thank-you to everyone who commented, left a kudos, subscribed or just popped in to read my nonsense. I never expected such overwhelming feedback, and a positive one, at that! :) Also, a very special thank-you again to akblake, who had given me great advice about FiKi's characterisation - you rock, deary! :D
> 
> From a one-shot to a three-shot, (who knew?), everyone's been very understanding on that fact and patiently waiting for the Durincest. XD This is the closest that Bilbo, Thorin, the Dwarves and ESPECIALLY myself will EVER come to writing Durincest, as well as other incest-related stuff and smut (and swearing - can't even write swear words in full). But like I said before, I'm a Hobbit slash writer, and I just wanted to take the mickey out of myself, my writing and the fandom in general. It's been fun, but other fanfics desperately need my attention. Also have about three stories in the pipe-line ... we'll see. :)
> 
> Please let me hear what your fave/hate moments were in the comments below - I'd love to hear your thoughts. Also, I have a tumblr up, but it's not quite ready. Go by the name of Shockapella88.
> 
> Gooie nand, hambani kakuhle and good night!  
> *~AI07~* ;)


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